


like a constant dream

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alien Biology, F/F, Red Kryptonite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 16:47:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17369681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: If Kara needed or wanted, she would go to the ends of the Earth to get it.If only that thing wasn’t herself.ORAlex learns some truths about herself and faces her desires for Kara.





	like a constant dream

**Author's Note:**

> i had an idea and ran with it. part of a larger AU i plan to continue hopefully soon!

It wasn’t that she couldn’t breathe, it was that the tightness around her throat was terrifying. Constricting in a way that felt as if she shifted even the most minute amount, the hold would tighten and she would choke. At first, she didn’t understand– why this, why her, why now? - until she saw the red tendrils creep across Kara’s face and recede almost as quickly as they’d shown. It wasn’t fear that crept into her stomach and settled heavy there. It was anticipation, apprehension. The shame was the worst of it. How dare she want this when Kara gave her all the love a sister could ask for?

Her own thoughts and swirls of emotion distracted her from Kara leaning in, and she lost complete focus as her cheek brushed against her own. As her lips brushed against her ear. It wasn’t a gentle whisper. Not this Kara who was all rough edges and muscle. Not this Kara who seemed to hide all of her soft light underneath a shell of anger and _want_ .

“I can smell you.”

It was accusatory and smug, and hell, she could have said anything with that tone and if Alex were capable she’d crumble at her feet. Shame burned bright on her cheeks and she knew that Kara could now smell just how much those simple words had affected her. The embarrassment was overshadowed by the almost crushing weight of alien fingers pressed around her throat, as Kara tightened her grip, holding her in place. She wanted to melt away and disappear but Kara was keeping her body steady and grounded, even as her imagination floated away.

A shiver ran down her spine, still consumed by the fact Kara could hear her heart-rate and would absolutely know it hadn’t sped up from fear. And as much as she wanted to give in to it and let go, she couldn’t. Not when her Kara - the Kara deep down inside this infected version of the one she loved so dearly - would never forgive herself. Even now, she was worried about her sister’s well-being and not her own.

With the hand still around her throat, Alex finally reached her hand up to touch lightly at the fingers pressing into her skin. A gentle, hopefully calming touch. She had to be brave now, to admit her worst shame out loud and unleash it into the world.

“I want this, Kara.” She flinched at the words. No matter how true they were, she was still afraid of the consequences. Whatever they may be. “I do. But not now. Not like this.” Even her tone was pleading, hoping that she would reach something within her and break her out of it.

But when Kara pulled back, her eyes were still a hard, steely blue. Beautiful. Terrifying. The only sense of hesitation she recognized was the loosening of her fingers. The skin beneath them would be blue and purple come morning, and she wished she could have a better story to hide the bruises from the other agents. A cold feeling settled in her stomach again as she kept eye contact with this strange but not so unfamiliar woman pressed against her.

Kara’s head tilted, as if considering her options, before she spoke, “I could hurt you.”

Her tone was husky in a way that made chills run up her spine and heat surge down between her thighs. She wanted that, too. Fuck her, she absolutely wanted that, too. Alex wanted the bruises and the crushing weight of a Kryptonian on top of her. She wanted more than Kara could ever give.

“I know you can.” Her lips quivered, shaking hand still lightly resting on Kara’s. “I want that, too. Just not now.”

God, her lips felt dry. She licked them and watched as Kara’s gaze dipped down to follow the quick motion and then quickly back up to keep eye contact. Alex continued, hoping that her willingness to barrel forward would distract from the absolute horror she would face later when she was alone.  

“I want.. you to be in control, Kara. I want it calculated. Deliberate. Not sloppy and angry. Kara, not like this.”

The time that passed could have been seconds or minutes. Alex’s heartbeat was in her ears as the fingers slowly loosened and at last pulled away. But their eyes never lost contact. Something in Kara was breaking and pulling forward. Logically, Alex knew that the dosage might have been low enough for her to pull back like this. Emotionally, she wanted to drop to her knees. To cry or pull Kara into her mouth, she wasn’t sure yet. Time would tell, she supposed. 

“Okay. Not like this.”

Kara’s words came out through clenched teeth, as if she was ripping them out forcefully, one by one. And before Alex could register what was happening, there was a burst of air and a crack of wood as Kara launched herself from the floor and out the window. Too much power in her launch. It told Alex all she needed to know.

The worst of it was that after the confrontation, Alex didn’t see her for weeks. Supergirl was nowhere to be found. The city wasn’t in disarray, no, but Alex was. Afraid of what she’d done and said, there weren’t enough scalding hot showers - nor were there enough bottles to get to the bottom of - to wash away what she’d admitted that night.

* * *

It settled within her, cold and hard and haunting. She heard herself say the words over and over again, wondering if it was too much. If she was too much. If she was the one that was disgusting and wrong. Her own failures, on top of the crushing worry she had for Kara. They had ways to find her at the DEO, but there was something about this disappearance and silence that told her that finding her would be the wrong choice.

Especially if Red K was involved.

That still didn’t stop Alex from calling or texting her or from leaving voicemails apologizing. All she needed was a text. It was ridiculous and needy, wasn’t it? But this was Kara. They were the very definition of those two words when it really came down to it. Weeks passed with no word. It sent Alex down the very spiral she had tried to avoid in the first place.

The spiral was so deep that she was unprepared when she finally got the text that Kara was coming home. She barely had time to swipe up the bottles and throw them into a trash bag before she heard the knock at the door.  It made her heart thump harder in her chest, and she had to take a moment to calm herself before opening it. The sight before her was a sheepish Kara. A hard contrast from the last time she’d seen her. There was a surge of anger for a single moment before the lump in her throat made it hard to be anything other than afraid. Anger at herself, for the most part.

Whether it was her own doing or not, she didn’t know if she could handle it. And yet, here she was stepping back and gesturing Kara inside with a smile like nothing ever happened. The edges of her vision were a little fuzzy and her steps weren’t as solid as she thought. She was sure that Kara could smell the evidence of it on her, but still, she could pretend. Kara was looking at her like a sad puppy and fidgeting right in the middle of the room, not even mentioning the way the apartment smelled like a cheap bar.

And of course, Alex.. stupid, half-drunk Alex had to take all of this in and open her big, fat mouth.

“Can you smell me?”

The words seemed to shock Kara into a rigid form with a tiny gasp-whimper that told her that she was just as nervous.

“Alex, I..” She began, taking a half step forward before pulling back, recoiling at her own urges. Alex assumed, at least.

“It’s a joke. It’s okay.” She shrugged, but made no move to get closer to her. If Kara was resisting what the Red Kryptonite brought to the surface, then far be it from Alex to push something that needed to stay buried. She’d uncovered that little gem after hiding it away for so long, and she was sure she could put it away again. After all, compartmentalism was so much easier than it used to be. “I know I smell pretty bad right now.”

But Kara didn’t look back up. “Can we talk about that night? Not about… I just want to tell you what happened.”

“We can.” There was hesitation in her tone, but Alex couldn’t deny her. If Kara needed or wanted, she would go to the ends of the Earth to get it. If only that thing wasn’t herself. A few moments passed before Kara spoke again, and the waiting made Alex itchy for another drink.

“I exposed myself to the Red K and I --- ”

“You what?!”

“No, no listen. Please, just let me finish. It wasn’t a large dose, but it was enough to.. Release inhibitions. All I could think about was you and how afraid I was to say something. I wanted to not have a filter and I think I miscalculated at some point.”

“No kidding.” Alex's voice was deadpan, and the shaking in her hands worsened with each word Kara spoke.

“Alex! This is important.” The subtle whine was not lost on Alex. This Kara was hers, through and through. But she remembered the way those fingers felt wrapped around her throat. She remembered the way she so obviously wanted to exert power over her. Alex felt weak in the knees again.

“Sorry.”

“All I wanted was to talk to you, to tell you how I feel. I didn’t realize it would have that effect. I mean, I kinda did? I just didn’t think it would bring _that_ to the surface.

And Alex tried to follow, she did, but all she was thinking about the way she could just slide down to the floor and let Kara wrap her thighs around her head and ---

That was definitely the alcohol.

“Okay. So, tell me how you feel. Right now.” It was more demanding than she ought to be, really, considering the way she’d just laid bare how badly she wanted Kara to fuck her not even three weeks ago.

Kara’s inhale was deep, and when she let the breath go, Alex swore she felt a slight chill. Enough to make her shiver. “I wanted to tell you that I..” There was really no easy way to put it, was there? Not when both of them were so obviously heavy in denial and regret for their feelings. Alex’s wallowing had made this worse on Kara. She was sure it had. After all, wasn’t she always the one making Kara’s life harder? Holding her back in some way?

“I wanted to tell you that I want to be with you.”

And yet, here she was, laying it out there as if giving into their desires wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Wouldn’t be harmful or terrifying or any other negative word she could think of, but was too fuzzy to name. She couldn’t even react to it, so in disbelief that it was actually out there now. On both sides. In the most Alex and Kara way possible.

Wasn’t that just the kicker? Alex admitting it out of pure want and fear. Kara going to great lengths to find the courage and ending up sending them spiraling into a situation neither one of them knew how to crawl out of just yet.

Alex couldn’t speak, though, not sure what exactly to say. So Kara continued, “If.. if it’s just about--- If you just want the physical, though, that’s.. that’s okay, too.”

She was backtracking and Alex recognized what was happening. Compromising for her, yet again. Before she could stop herself, Alex had wandered over to the cabinet to get a glass and pour out the last bit she had. One quick gulp and it was gone.

It burned and she flinched, a good sign that she was still only tipsy. Fuck, Kara was going to take this the wrong way, too. How could she even begin to speak? It wasn’t about the physical, though she did crave it more than Kara knew. She loved her more than she’d loved before. It was a deep and aching love that wouldn’t go away quite so easily. If this fell apart here and now, there’d be no coming back from it.

She took her time with finding the words to say, because she wasn’t going to fuck this up more than it already was. Why did it always take some trauma to bring them to the conversations they needed to have? Her hands gripped at the edge of the counter, knuckles white. The hard edge cutting into her palm kept her grounded.

If she laughed like she wanted to, it would scare Kara away. It was too much to keep inside, but she had to keep it together to get out what she really wanted to say.

“Stop, stop. Kara, of course I want you. The physical, sure, but.. Everything else, too.” Even as she spoke, the words felt thick and clogging in her throat. Her tongue weird in her mouth like a foreign object of some kind. Too fucking bad, tongue, you’re going to do this and get it the hell over with.

“I don’t really remember exactly when I realized. Sometime after Maggie? Right around? I don’t know. All I know is that I tried to bury it deep and lock it away. I was ashamed of it. Of how we’d be seen, what Mom would think---” She stopped there, cutting herself off with a snort of a laugh. “I don’t need to go into that. Because you understand, right?”

Kara’s nod was a slow tilt of her head up and down and then back to center. Only once. Alex understood with absolute certainty that Kara was afraid, too.

“Can we try?”

Her voice was so small that it nearly broke Alex. She ached for her and if this wasn’t the moment to close the distance between them and comfort her fears away, she wasn’t sure when it was. So she did.

Three steps. And then her hands were on Kara’s cheeks, gentling away the tears that had spilled over once she realized that she could finally let go of this vast longing she’d had for years. Alex was the same, but it was Kara’s turn now to be the one to feel true and whole. She could give her the world, and it would never be enough.

“We can try.” There was a moment of hesitation between them. “Can I kiss you?”

Alex knew Kara was excitable, but she didn’t expect to be lunged at. Nor did she expect a literal bruising kiss or sharp throbbing pain in her nose and upper lip. Not exactly the kind of pain she expected when she had said she wanted it.


End file.
